Mother-in-law
Mothers-in-law are a blessing and a gift. When you marry, you gain another family, and the knowledge, love, and support they can provide are often unmatched. However, when you think of planning your wedding, Mothers-in-law, can often be characterized in a bad light, but they deserve a little more credit.
Mothers-in-law, in every one of my dealings with them, always have the very best intentions. They get a bad rep because they often seem to meddle, interfere, and pose a hardship for the couple in planning their wedding. Sometimes that pressure is due to the fact that its already a rather stressful period for the couple, compounded by the reality that it is often the case that both mothers-in-law want their own input and sometimes even those desires can be in conflict.
Weddings are a day, marriage is for life. Either way, mothers-in-law are mothers in truth, and motherhood is for life. Negotiating and managing relationships well require us to pause and find ways to deal with parents of our future spouse with kindness and respect. As a couple you must find ways to negotiate and navigate these rather emotional moments with family lest we jeopardize a relationship over a single day.
Here are a few ideas for you to “deal with mothers-in-law.”
1.) Set boundaries. It seems simple, but boundaries are essential for maintaining proper respect for each other in every relationship, most especially our intimates. Close family can sometimes tread past the normal boundaries we set by claiming “special privilege.” For the integrity of everyone involved, when boundaries are set, they must be kept. Keep it simple, keep it strictly. When you set a boundary, whether it be who plans what, or who approves what, stick to your guns. Be respectful, be kind, but be clear: this is your wedding and sometimes keeping the peace means making sure that everyone stay in their lane or on their side of the court.
2.) Remember that they have the best in mind: be kind. Sometimes we can get caught up in the stress of it all, coming down to deadlines, worrying about the little details that sometimes get overlooked, that when someone interjects, we can lose our heads. When we remember that our parents love us, that they have our best in mind (and they have kept their boundaries) we sometimes just need to remember to keep our head and be kind.
3.) Ask them what they want to be called. Calling your mother-in-law, “mom” or by their first name might be nice, but it requires a little bit of care. Rather than make a mountain out of a mole-hill, ask them what they prefer. Ask them what your kids will eventually call them.
4.) If you delegate, let it go! Certain personalities are more prone to micromanagement than others, but it is always a good rule that delegation means that you no longer have to manage every detail. There is no perfect wedding (sorry ladies) and there will be things that go wrong. The important thing to remember is that the most important moment for your day happens when you say, “I do.” Let that be the moment that matters most, and don’t let yourself be overwhelmed with putting every other detail in its rightful place. Give yourself a bit of a break and delegate, but then let it go. If you decide to delegate something to your mother-in-law, make sure that boundaries are maintained, but then let it go. There are bigger, more important issues than the one’s you’ve delegated.
4a.) Delegating might be the best idea, especially if there are a lot of “chefs in the kitchen.” Perhaps it would make your day a lot less difficult if you can hire a wedding planner to take care of the details and trying to keep the peace among opposing ideas/views. While it might be difficult to hire a wedding planner, they are well worth it. Wedding planners are professionals with contacts and experience. Your wedding will not be the first they’ve planned. Rely on their experience and get some peace of mind.
