Dating in the Digital Age
There is no question that social media, Twitter, Bumble, Match, Tinder, etc., have changed the dating game. We relate differently, we look up intended dates, and we view everyone through the lens of their social media, and try to craft our own image to give the best impression. Social media has changed the dating scene, no doubt, but that doesn’t mean that the dating scene is ruined, it just requires us to re-evaluate the rules of dating and make sure that the way we engage in conversation leads to a healthy relationship and not one build on lies, misdirection, and false promises.
With every advantage the media offers; long-distance communication, the ability to meet people while sitting on the couch in your pajamas, and the breadth of information we can learn about someone from the internet, there are just as many dis-advantages. We must be keenly aware of the world we enter when we engage social media in the “game of love” and the rules we bring to it, so that we can have reliable, honest, and trustworthy beginnings to a relationship.
You need rules. Rules help us to secure boundaries, and boundaries serve as a first line of defense against all forms of danger. When you set up a boundary, you must remain secure in it. Medieval castles often used various means to protect the people inside. Only when one was sure of the person trying to enter did they lower the gate or open the door.
Social media offers people unfettered access to you: every blip, beep, notification, buzzing alarm, serves to remind you that the world is in your pocket. If you give people access to your cell phone or your social media, and your notifications are on, you essentially allow them into your living room or on your drive to work, or the moments just before bed or just in waking up. Since the beginning of the creation of man, we needed personal space. Personal space allowed us to process alone what is going on in the world and around us. When we give up our personal space, we lose a sense of our independence and jeopardize our overall well-being. We cannot be at everyone’s beck and call 24/7, it simply isn’t healthy.
The trouble is, that once we find someone that we like, and we let them into our social media world, our curiosity can get the best of us. We can struggle to get away from the phone and continue with our day uninterrupted.
Rule #1 Put the phone down.
If you want to have a relationship, allow that relationship to take up only some time in your day. You cannot expect dates to last 24 hours, or for someone to be at your side all day, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Relationships are built on time together and time apart! Put the phone down and give yourself some space. You can offer to give them time in a conversation, but make sure that you guard that time. If the conversations go well, if you find yourself able to connect on some levels, then good! Give yourself something to talk about in a couple of days, or a week.
Also, don’t let yourself get too worked up if they decide to ghost you after the first conversation. If you aren’t worth their time, then they aren’t worth yours. Stick to your guns, and put the phone down and live your life.
Rule #2 No favors
Relationships are never healthy when someone asks too much in the beginning. Needy people can be a drag and drain your energy! Why let them? Give yourself a little credit. You deserve to be happy and find someone that is compatible with you. That doesn’t mean that you OWE them anything at the outset.
This is also a good safeguard against phishing. Having seen a number of people fall into the trap of the perfect online persona, the “dream person” on the other end of your digital connection, it can be too good to be true, and often is. If that “perfect match” on the other end starts asking you for things to “show your love” then get out. Block, remove, report their account, whatever it takes. Don’t do favors for someone you’ve only just met online, and don’t let any sweet talk convince you otherwise.
Rule #3 Don’t Meet in Person Alone
This seems like a no-brainer, but it bears repeating, especially for the younger, more naive among us: meeting a stranger alone is never a safe bet. Meet them in public, in a restaurant. Drive there separately, go home separately, and make sure you have someone who knows where you are and with whom you are out. Safety is key!
This also serves as a reminder that until you meet someone in public, in the flesh, with other people around, they are a stranger to you. Acquaintances are friendly relations we have with people in public. Only people willing to meet in public and be seen with you around others can qualify as possible future friends. Friendships are built on trust and trust only comes with honest, open transparency. Meeting in private, clandestinely, alone, is not intimate: its dangerous.
Rule #4 Don’t be too serious, but Don’t Date for fun
Dating is serious business because it is meant to build a serious relationship. We have seen the devastation casual relationships play in our culture, yet we feel no obligation ourselves to change the narrative. Dating for fun, without consequence, without thinking about where you are supposed to be going in the relationship only hurts you both. Spare your heart and make sure that the person you’re dating is worthy of it. Dating for fun is calling for broken hearts.
Rule #5 Keep it Real
Your online presence should not be fairy-tale magic. Imagine the horror of meeting someone for the first time who is two feet shorter than their profile picture, has the most hideous laugh, and doesn’t know how to look someone in the eye in a conversation! Too many people use social media to create an image of themselves which goes well beyond flattery and flies more towards fantasy. Using avatars, or claiming that you are proficient in French because once your heard someone say, “Bonjour” can be a devastating revelation on a first date, and evidence of pathology, too. You cannot claim to take someone seriously who cannot even tell the most basic truth. Don’t lie in your social media, it will only confirm to make you a liar in person.
